A novel about a man known only as the King, and as his Kingdom careens toward catastrophe, he cruises seedy taverns looking for likely maidens. He is particularly bad at this. His incompetence and his weakness for beautiful women drag him deeper and deeper into trouble. He is portrayed as a cross dresser by the Kingdom Crier, the Kingdom's most popular tabloid. Shortly after, he must defend his castle against a siege with only his royal fiddler, while attempting to steal his royal fiddler's girlfriend. And when the siege lifts, he must play the warmongering Traveling Linguists' Guild against King Cedric, a visiting monarch--the stakes are love, death and dethronement.